Snack

In the morning, after brushing your teeth as thoroughly as you wish, replace your
standard household Listerine with a jar of liquid mercury (Hg).

You take the mercury in typical mouthwash procedure and proceed normally, swishing and gurgling. You feel the alien smoothness of a non-viscous, dense, room-temp fluid metal between your teeth, spurting through the gaps in sharp, wobbling beads, and over your tongue, its weight like a heavy man’s cold finger. It stings your fillings and numbs your cheeks as they flex alternately, sucking quicksilver from left to right and back again a hundred times. You feel your lips fail to adhere remotely to the element as it falls from your mouth into its receptacle.

The amount of mercury you absorb is microscopic, resulting in an unnoticeable change in volume, meaning this practice can be repeated as often as you wish. Dry the less-dense spit-globs rolling around on the surface with a tissue or paper towel, which will not soak up the mercury itself, to maintain a zero-waste system.

As your day progresses, in class or the office or wherever you may be, the interior of your cheeks will begin to bubble and swell in unpredictable ways, greatly varying in size, growth acceleration, softness, and color. These are cancerous tumors, brought upon my mercury poisoning. Allow them to grow as large or hard as you desire. When you feel a tinge of hunger, there will be no need to disturb the room’s flow by unwrapping a meddlesome snack. Simply bite into one of your pustules.

From here, you can mash the contents of your popped boils with your teeth, sucking if the contents are more fluid-based or chewing in the case of heavier tissue having built up. This pus will taste typically metallic, naturally, but with a great variety of mucal flavors and consistencies. Often there will be bloody hints of copper to delight in, and you might find a sense of comfort in thinner, milkier crops.

If you’ve let one grow for a while, it may be quite hard. Occasionally you’ll have to bite through semi-calcified, bone-like growths, crunching them like a soggy rock candy, but it will more often be a wad of cartilage and fat, better to swallow whole than to dance your teeth around as you fail to secure a solid puncture or severance. You may have to use your tongue or even your finger to dig inside of the deeper growths’ pockets to exhume all of the cottage cheese chunks and tapioca pearls.

Any flapping skin left over should be necrotic enough to bite cleanly away from living cheek and gum tissue and can be swallowed along with the pus and blood nuggets. If any waving slabs are too securely attached, allow a few minutes for them to soften or shrivel. The beauty of this practice is a complete cyclical matrix. The nutrients you’re absorbing are simply your own cancerized vitamins, resulting in zero wasted proteins. You can swallow these au naturale treats without the guilt of overeating. In fact, you are likely to lose a few calories from the exertions your body takes to grow the miniature cancers in your mouth and to break them down in your stomach.

Enjoy!











Trey Blevins is a 23-year-old Brooklyn-based writer who is trying his very best.